The Inherent Truth

I have been watching quite a bit of Oprah lately, since it is her last season and she has very very good material this time around. Believe it or not, I have referenced her show in my classroom more than once this year (Brown eyes/blue eyes experiment, Elie Wiesel episode, Little Rock 9). And one thing Oprah talks about is the "Aha" moment that someone has because of the knowledge or wisdom that has come to them. I realized I had an "Aha" moment recently, and it was something that really changed the way I teach and the way I live.

People go through phases, kind of like Picasso and his blue, rose, cubism, etc phases. There was a time in my life that I wanted to be the mean girl. There was a time that I wanted to be the class clown. There was a time when I wanted to make stupid decisions about the guys I was dating. While I was in these phases, I never took the time to be introspective and figure out why I was actually acting this way. It took being a teacher and seeing children in their own phases to figure out what was going on.

I wanted to be the mean girl in second and third grade to a girl who really really didn't need any teasing from me; she got it elsewhere. I was downright mean, and I regret it to this day because she was such a sweet person, but of course, I never took the time to see that. I had just been plucked out of my home, my mom had died, I was at a new school, and I hid all of my sadness and insecurities by making this girl feel poorly about herself. Coming from the other perspective, one might make excuses for me considering my situation. And from a teacher's perspective, I can see both sides. But understanding the connection between the actions and the feelings is such a struggle for most kids.

Loretto and Sacramento were brand-spanking new to me when I was 14. I was the new kid, and my mom reminded me that every day. Fresh start, she would say. Well, I wanted to be the funny one. I would talk in class and crack jokes and cross the line and tick teachers off just because I had never done that before- this was fun! But when I really got in trouble, when a soft spoken teacher full-on yelled at me, that came to a crashing finish. But it was me being insecure, me wanting to make a particular impression. And in then end, it backfired.

I dated my share of ridiculous. The kind of people you include a whole chapter about in your memoir, which I totally plan on doing. I would date people my parents didn't like, I would date people my friends didn't like, I would date people even I didn't like. Why? Because I was afraid for a while I would never find "the one." Having older siblings does this because you have unrealistic ideas of relationships- you see those grow right before your eyes! Why can't one grow for me? The thing is, you can't change other people and you can't forcefully change yourself. Now that I have found "the one," it's safe to say I realized where my behavior was coming from before we ever began dating.

And so back to my "aha" moment: the people in my life, the ones I have despised (yes there are some), and the ones that I love, are that way because of situations, because of their phases. This may seem very "well YEAH," and not very "aha," but I wish wish wish my middle schoolers could see what I see. I wish they understood what I mean when I tell them the story of the girl who was mean as a teenager, and all the while she was being abused at home. Or the girl everyone made fun of because of her strange behaviors, but it was also because of abuse. Or the kids who tease because they have had a loss and are coping in their own way.

When they tell me they can't stand someone, or they hate, I tell them they will probably regret those words someday because you will learn something about that person that will change anything you ever though of them. Suddenly, everything makes sense. My being a teacher has really opened my eyes to how diverse a classroom really is. And to think I was in hundreds of different classrooms with that diversity, all kinds of situations around me. And since we can't walk around with labels like "I have a past; I will be mean to you," let's just lack any judgment and understand that because they are cold, or mean, or bitchy, or violent, their situation is different than ours. Their past, their canvas, has different colors, different textures than ours. Just because you may not like the art doesn't mean you can't appreciate where it came from.