when i cant be first...

my mom gave me some great advice one day. it all started when i was dating someone... one of those previous dudes that didnt work out, and i was venting to my mom about how i hadnt actually told them my feelings. i had put my feelings second and, although i had been upset, i failed to mention it because i didn't wish to make things any more complicated than they already were. apparently my mom gets really fired up about things like this, because, in a very strong, quasi-angry way, she told me this: caitlin, you feelings matter. they matter just as much as anyone elses, and dont you ever think differently.

from then on, i made it my goal to do just that: express my feelings as much as i can and to hell with whoever is offended by them. (i am still horribly passive-aggressive, but this seems to work for me about 50% of the time...) i have even shared the advice with girlfriends who are putting their needs second when they should be right in line with whoever is involved.

but what happens when you are looking at the situation and knowing that, although this is a verrrry good time to put my needs and feelings out there... i dont and shouldnt get to. i recall a sex and the city episode about just that: the russian was having a bad day and pissed off carrie and her friends, and when she went to go yell at him for it, he was inconsolable about his own problems. i think the wording was something like: sometimes there isn't enough room for both of your worlds. and that is so true.

in my recent dilemma, there came a point where the voice in my head was screaming for me to say my piece, to express my feelings until the other was clear of my stance, my hurt, my feelings. but i stopped myself. they were hurting, much more than i was, and i knew i had to step down. i shelved my feelings and, to be quite honest, i was totally okay with it.

i know the conversation isnt over, i know my feelings werent ignored, and i know i made the right choice. i didnt get to be first, but putting someone else before me, this time, was the right thing to do.

i would like to think ive learned a thing or two from the dudes of the past and that, even if i dont do so directly, i still listen to my mother.