Case Study: Lindsay Lohan

since being in grad school, i have gotten good at two things: feigning that i read something when i didnt, and writing case studies. and so, since lindsay lohan seems to be a perfect case to... study... i will write one about her just as we do in our social and cultural class with dr. ackley.

Salient Facts:
- Lindsay Lohan is a 24 year old actress whose career has gone down the crapper because of her poor life choices, a crazy orange mother, a sister who thinks she's 30 when she's actually 14, and a dad who likes to date... things.

- Long ago are the days where everyone loved the not-so mean girl. Now she is the girl that's not-so good at walking.

- She is very open about her issues. She has interviews about how hard it is to be famous and in the limelight and how she doesn't know if she's a lesbian and how confused she is about all of that.

- She has recently wrapped up an extensive 13 day stay at the Lynwood Pen, and is headed to UCLA medical center to... deal with... stuff...


Problems: (where to begin)
- Lindsay's mother.
- Lindsay's doctors.
- Lindsay's dad, who, by the way, found Jesus while in jail. Why was Jesus in jail?
- Lindsay's "sources."
- Lindsay's career manager.

Reframe the Problems:
- Lindsay's mother needs to stop being a Willy Wonka minion long enough to realize that she needs to leave her daughter alone. She and her crazy eyes are obviously not doing much good, so she should sell her crazy (and her daughters) someplace else.

- Whoooooo gets heavy opiates after you get your wisdom teeth pulled? Lindsay does. I'll tell ya what, I didn't get them, I got Vicodin and that was good enough. Plus, I was up the next day making eggs. Perhaps another problem on the list: Lindsay is a pansy.

- I really don't need to reframe the problem that is Michael Lohan. It's really all-embodying, quite frankly.

- "Lindsay is so happy she went to jail," says a source. Uhm, what? Firstly, who are you? Are you some creeper who walked by where she threw away her empty pill bottles? And therefore know that jail was a wonderful place to be if you're a blond Lohan? A "source" told me you're an idiot, so there.

- Whyyyy would you be in a movie written, and, wait for it.... wait for it... DIRECTED BY.... wait for it... wait for it... THE SHAMWOW GUY. The guy who beats up hookers. WHY. WHO in their right mind would think that was a good idea. "Hmm, well he sure has a knack for kicking some hooker face, so he must be pretty slick behind a camera!" WHERE is the thought process here?!

Alternatives;

- Firstly, Lindsay needs to get lots and lots of help, and not the kind in the Dina-Lohan-colored bottles. Get out of the business, have someone other than your mother be your LIFE manager for a while, teach your sister how to act her age, figure out your sexuality outside of... everywhere we look, learn how to knit, and then write an autobiography about how you overcame everything and make lots of money to feed your 30 cats. There, I have your next 10 years mapped out for you.

Evaluate the Process:

- Does People magazine say anything about Lindsay Lohan anymore? Do they have a countdown or some sort of "take a look inside Lindsay's jail cell"? Am I thoroughly annoyed by all the coverage of someone not worth our time? If not, the process has, in fact, worked.